Wade and the Terrible, Horrible Day
by Joyce LaKee
Summary: An affectionate send-up of a children's classic. Full title inside because it wouldn't fit here. Obviously, this is AU


WADE HAMPTON HAMILTON AND THE TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO-GOOD, VERY BAD DAY

WADE HAMPTON HAMILTON AND THE TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO-GOOD, VERY BAD DAY

...thank you to Margaret Mitchell and Judith Viorst (who actually own this stuff)

I went to sleep with gum-tree sap in my mouth, and now there's sap in my hair and when I got out of bed this morning I tripped on the toy train and by mistake I dropped my blouse into the wash basin while Mammy was pouring the water and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

On the way down to breakfast, Ella found a quarter on the staircase, and Bonnie found my best aggie in the potted plant--finders keepers!--but all I found on the way to breakfast was breakfast.

I think I'll move to Savannah.

In the carriage on the way to school, Mrs. Bonnell let Frankie have a seat by the window. Raoul and Joe got seats by the window too. I said I was being scrunched. I said I was being smushed. I said, if I don't get a seat by the window, I am going to be carriage-sick. No one even answered.

I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

At school, Teacher liked Raoul's picture of a sailboat better than my picture of the invisible castle.

At spelling bee she said I answered too loud. At History time, she said I left out the Battle of Gettysburg. Who needs the Battle of Gettysburg? I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

I could tell because Beau said I wasn't his best friend anymore. He said Joe Whitehead was his best friend and Raoul Picard was his next best friend and that I was only this third best friend.

I hope you sit on a bayonette, I said to Beau. I hope the next time you have ice cream it falls right off your plate and lands in Savannah.

There were five cookies in Frankie Bonnell's dinner pail, and Raoul got three donuts and Beau's mother gave him a little piece of white cake made with real white sugar. Guess who's mother forgot to put in dessert?

It was a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.

That's what it was, because after school Mother took us all to Dr. Meade and he found a cavity just in me. Go to the dentist and he'll fix it, he said.

Before that happens, I said, I'm going to Savannah.

On the way outside the front door closed on my foot and while we were waiting for Pork to bring the carriage around, Ella made me fall where it was muddy and then when I started crying because of the mud Bonnie said I was a crybaby and while I was pinching Bonnie for saying crybaby Pork came back with the carriage and Mother scolded me for being muddy and fighting.

I am having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, I told everybody. No one even answered.

So then we went to Mother's store to buy some shoes. Ella picked brown ones with tan laces. Bonnie picked white ones that buttoned all the way up. I chose black ones with brass toes, but the clerk said they were out of my size, so I had to have boring brown ones with no brass at all. But they can't make me wear them.

When we picked up Uncle Rhett at the bank, he said I couldn't play with anything on his desk, but I forgot. He also said to watch out for the papers on the shelf and I was careful as can be except for my elbow. He also said don't fool around with the inkwell, but I think I spilled it on the carpet. Uncle Rhett said please don't pick him up anymore.

It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

There were yams for dinner and I hate yams.

Mammy told us a bedtime story about a prince and princess that fall in love, and I hate stories where they fall in love.

I got soap in my eyes when Prissy washed my face, I got yelled at again for trying to take back my aggie from Bonnie, and my bed was too lumpy. I hate a lumpy bed.

When I went to bed Ella took back the pillow she said I could keep and Mammy took the lamp away and Bonnie took my St. Bernard into her room to sleep there.

It has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Uncle Rhett says some days are like that...

Even in Savannah.


End file.
